My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The funk soul brother
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.