My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.