My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
