My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
at ease…shoulder.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
