my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did