my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Google assistant rules
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island