my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.