Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.