Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

My current situation

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

So inspired right now.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.