My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You Might Also Like
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.