Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.