Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

🤫

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car