Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

we all know this pain all too well

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

selfie game

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.