*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Incredible customer service.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit