Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?