Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

I WON A HAM TODAY

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?