Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

SCARY COSTUME

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.