my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
At ease
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Basketball
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS