Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.