my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here