my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Yes, this is exactly right
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”