My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.