My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
You Might Also Like
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.