My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
#Caturday
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I know karate and tons of other words.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay