My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
You Might Also Like
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”