My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Great acting.. 😂
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here