My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION