Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.