Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

The cycle continues