My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
🙅🏻
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.