Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.