Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.