my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
