my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
