Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Cause of death: Zumba

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

I thought this was funny lol

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

What a website

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want