My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Note to self: always read the final line
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Cats (2019)
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.