Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

this will hang in the louvre one day

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries