Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail