My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month