My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
sigh
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
A great first step 😂
no cat here
