My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I did not eat the cake…
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus