My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm