My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”