Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

October 31

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items