My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.