Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

is losing your mind a hobby?

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.