My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”