My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
water it, i dare you
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people