My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Holy shit he’s back
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.