My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
You Might Also Like
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
sin harder.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.