My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.