My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The Punning Dead.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.