My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Can’t. Being lazy.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.