Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]