My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?