My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Twitter is an abusement park.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .