Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure. Why not?

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

ㅤ

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you