My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I am thick and tired. 🙄
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah