my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe