my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Taliband
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
There is wisdom there.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.