@broken_rhi

My boyfriend has never seen The Godfather and he’s all excited by the idea that you can get a free fish in the mail, regardless of the death message attached.

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@hippieswordfish

‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
um okay
‘some call me the gangster of love’
sir
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

@WineMummy

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@yonewt

If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons

@daemonic3

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*