Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I’m putting together a team
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.