My boyfriend has never seen The Godfather and he’s all excited by the idea that you can get a free fish in the mail, regardless of the death message attached.

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‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
um okay
‘some call me the gangster of love’
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte


Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?


Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*


[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”


If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take


If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons


Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*