My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?