My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”