My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
You Might Also Like
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Had an epiphany today.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET