My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.