Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉