@wendchymes

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

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@AngelaEhh

I’m pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

@isabelzawtun

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

@gtfml

Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.