My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me