I’m pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?
Me: Oh. I can read.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
Imagine me naked.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.