My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
