My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Hmm 🧐
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Oh my God.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
We avoided this particular disaster
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
How do you milk an almond?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.