My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*