My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
on da cob, we all corn
