Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

it was love at first sight

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.