my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Dumplings,
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.