Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Bit chilly again tonight.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Oceanography is all about current events

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up