
The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.
Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.
Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.