I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?
[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”
Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.