My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

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The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.

Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!


[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*


Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?


M: Kill a man to defend you honor?


I was getting there.


– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?


I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.


Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]


[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month


People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars


Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.


I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.