My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry