@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

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@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@dadmann_walking

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

@LizHackett

Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

@spaceboyriley

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@LuvPug

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

@zachreinert03

I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day