My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I’m not proud
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.