My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Meow
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*