My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?