My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May