My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
ready to be harvested
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
(True)
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now